How to Poop on a Plane: A Flight Attendant Shares
Ahhh, the dreaded 30,000 foot stomach gurgle. One moment you’re sipping your large coffee, minding your business, and the next you are under attack—by last night’s dinner.
Yes, friends, we are going there. This is information the public needs to know. And as a flight attendant, I’m making it my dooty to tell you.
I know many people do not like using an airplane bathroom at all—number 1 or 2—opting instead to hold it in until they get to their destination. (As a side note, I wonder how disappointed these people must be once they find out just how disgusting airport restrooms are.) For flight attendants and pilots, in airplanes for 6, 10, 14 hours a day, “holding it in” is not always an option. But we are resourceful creatures and have come up with clever ways to make the process a breeze.
An improper airplane poo can leave the culprit embarrassed and the rest of us suffering, even through our masks. No one likes pooping on a plane. And by all means DON’T if you don’t have to. But sometimes you’ve just got to go, and I’d encourage you to not do it in your pants like this guy. Read these tips and take my advice instead, to have a stealthy and successful airplane poo.
The Proper Way to Poop on a Plane
1. Lock the Door.
I know you think it’s funny, but the number of people I have seen with their pants down at work over the years is definitely not funny. Let’s not bring others into this intimate moment, eh?
2. Build a Nest.
No one poops standing up. If you’re ever tempted to try it to avoid the germs on the toilet seat, just consider turbulence and the possibility of sh*tting on your shoe. Or the floor. Wipe the seat with TP to ensure it is dry. If you are concerned about germs, now is a good time to sanitize the seat with some kind of disinfectant. DO NOT throw disinfectant wipes in the toilet. This can cause a clog and major embarrassment for you.
Use a toilet seat cover (which can be found in one of the cubbies in the lavatory) or strips of toilet paper to build a nest.
3. Line the bowl.
Line the inside of the toilet bowl with tissues or paper towels. This step is very important for successful pooping on a plane. Have you ever walked into an airplane lavatory and been completely disgusted by the remnants of someone’s poo-adventure left behind? Nobody likes this. This is why step 3 is critical to a successful, discreet plane poo.
Take 3-4 paper towels or tissues and place them on the bottom of the toilet bowl so that the hole is covered as well as most of the bowl. Do not clump them. Do not use more than four. Again, we do not want an embarrassing (and delay-causing) clog.
This layer of paper will cradle your little nuggets all the way down the poop chute and ensure that no nasty streaks are left behind. Lovely.
4. Do the thing
I’ll let you figure this part out on your own.
Everyone needs a good bathroom spray. Men, I am talking to you too. The two best ones for pooping on a plane are Poo-Pourri and Bath & Body Works Room Spray. They are travel size, super potent and come in about 100 different scents. You can also get three of them for $20, so no excuses. I am not earning commission here, I am just telling you the truth. These two spray options are by FAR the best options for an on-the-plane poo, and really should be required items for air travel.
Give that bathroom a solid spritz or two and no one will know what you’ve done.
6. Wash your hands
Don’t be a filthy animal. Wash your hands after you poo, on the plane and everywhere else.
And that’s it my friend. It is really THAT simple to have a successful, discreet airplane poo. I’m not encouraging anyone to go out of their way to poop on a plane. But if you must, then take these simple steps to make it as painless (and odorless) as possible. You’ll feel more confident knowing you’re not going to be known as ShitStain Dane for the rest of the flight, and we won’t have to gag on your disgusting smell wafting out into the aisle.
Cheers to future travel and needing these tips!
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Hahaha make a nest, make a nest!!! Brilliant! Thanks for the tips!